An aTOMic debate

First of all, how about that title. Oh yeah.

Now, on a long car ride with The Honest Bro, a debate was sparked about who has had the greater career, Tom Cruise or Tom Hanks. This was a great way to pass the time after discussing the 2009 Maxim Hot 100 (THB has always cut me down for fawning over Olivia Wilde-- I guess I won that one) and how many times Denzel can basically play the same cop. I instantly jumped to the Tom Cruise side because, well, I actually celebrate Tom Cruise Day every October 16th. He is glorious, even though he has been taken by the biggest scam the Earth has ever seen, namely Scientology.

I will strive to present an unbiased discussion on the the topic. However, that seems impossible since all of this will be my opinion, which means it will be a biased account. But I will ignore my Cruise love affair. Which brings me to the ground rules for this debate:

1. The actor is only judged by their body of work, not their off-the-set issues. It might be tough, but you have to judge them as if they only existed in movie world.

2. Animated movies don't count. This is tough because Toy Story 1 and 2 are some of the best movies ever made. But anyone can do voicework-- Wall-E was awesome and a computer voiced the voice.

3. They are only judged on the movies I have seen. I feel I have seen their most important movies so anyways so deal with it.

4. The number of awards won doesn't play a role, otherwise Hanks (4 Oscar nominations for best actor and 2 wins) would beat Cruise (2 Oscar nominations for best actor, 1 for best supporting actor, 0 wins). This is gonna be decided on the streets, no rules. Except for the rules I'm outlining right now.

5. 10 points awarded for the movie/performance, and 5 points each for versatility and the MVP factor (could someone else have stepped into the role and done close to the same job). 20 points total for each movie.

6. I will judge their top 5 movies, in chronological order. In any profession, a man is only judged by their best work. This is true and everyone knows it. I'm not going to even discuss this.

One more note: both of their careers have coincided with exactly the same eras in movies. They both came on to the scene in the early 80s and became stars around the same time. Therefore they have been working within essentially the same cultural zeitgeist. This makes for an even more even-handed comparison. Also, Phillip Seymour Hoffman might be considered the greatest actor ever by the time his career his over. Even his bit parts in Scent of a Woman and Twister are awesome.

Preface: Outside of their top 5, here is their best work. We've got Hanks: A League Of Their Own, Sleepless In Seattle, Apollo 13, You've Got Mail, The Green Mile, Catch Me If You Can, The Terminal, Charlie Wilson's War.

And Cruise: The Color of Money, Cocktail, Rain Man, Days of Thunder, Born on the Fourth of July, A Few Good Men, The Firm, Mission Impossible, Vanilla Sky, Minority Report, The Last Samurai.

A few notes on this. No one else could have done Catch Me If You Can. He has that special quality that allows him to play a fatherly figure in any sort of fashion; it couldn't have worked out better for this movie. Only Hanks could have pulled off the expression he made when he looked at Frank Abagnale as he walked back into the FBI offices in the last scene. Also, Road To Perdition sucked, and so did The Terminal. The last movie out of my top 5 is Apollo 13, in which you could have inserted another actor in that role and it would have been the same.

It was incredibly tough to leave Rain Man, A Few Good Men, and Minority Report out of the top 5. This just speaks to the strength of his resume. And these movies are all over the place. He he has demonstrated his ability to be a big-time action hero with the Mission Impossible series (2 sucked, 3 was better, but all were very entertaining). He even somehow pulled off a Japanese samurai without making an ass of himself. In fact, he was fantastic.

Actually, I'm gonna give Cruise 5 points for these movies, these are too great to let slide.

TOM HANKS

Big

Movie: It's awesome. Really, how much can I say about all these movies, they're all awesome. 9.0/10

Versatility: Hanks was still in his boyish phase, and this allowed him to pull the stuff he did in this movie. Considering all of his later roles were much heavier, this one truly stands out. Great practice for SNL as well. 4.5/5

MVP Factor: With anyone else, this could have been a really stupid comedy, one of those great idea-poor execution films. There is no way the lead actor in a movie like this gets nominated for an academy award today. No freaking way. 4.2/5

Philadelphia

Movie: Gay guy with AIDS, yeah sure, give him an oscar. Great movie, but it doesn't age well. Obviously in 1993, this movie struck a chord. 8.8/10

Versatility: This really has it all. Dying, crying, homosexuality, AIDS. What makes this performance, and therefore the movie great, was the happy attitude he portrayed in stark contrast to the rest of the characters and the movie's themes. 4.8/5

MVP Factor: I think anyone else trying to pull off the happy-even-though-I'm-dying-and-I-still-think-you're-all-good-people look would come off as cheesy. Wait, I can see Tim Robbins doing this. 4.6/5

Forrest Gump

Movie: Pretty much a masterpiece. I'm taking off 0.2 because I get bored when I watch it on TV, it's a little long. 9.8/10

Versatility: I mean, are you serious. 5.0/5

MVP Factor: Maybe Simple Jack could do it. No, no he couldn't. 5.0/5

Saving Private Ryan

Movie: I haven't seen Shakespeare In Love, but I'm gonna say that this movie beating Saving Private Ryan to win the oscar is even more tragic than Armeen Poor winning an NAACP award. 9.9/10

Versatility: The cool and collected father figure. Really his sweet spot for roles, but he does this often. 2.5/5

MVP Factor: Even though he does it often, no one does it better. His back story as a schoolteacher is perfect too. Although, many leading male actors could have taken this: Russell Crowe come to mind as good for this role. 4.2/5

Cast Away

Movie: This was really the ultimate litmus test of an actor's strength. Does he have the ability to hold the viewer's attention by watching him do basically nothing by himself for over an hour? Yes, yes he does. I thought this was just okay at first, but it gets better every time you watch it. 9.2/10

Versatility: He pretty much mashed together all of his Hankisms into this guy, although it was great when he went barbaric. 4.5/5

MVP Factor: Tough to judge, because this movie could have went a variety of ways with this guy. I could see Bruce Willis slowly going insane and fighting invisible henchman with twigs. By the way, this has to be one of the cleverest commercials ever made.


4.4/5

TOM CRUISE

Risky Business

Movie: The hooker is so hot. She is 49 years old and still a 1. 9.5/10

Versatility: I can't believe he played a high schooler. That was 5 years ago for me, that is ridiculous. 4.3/5

MVP Factor: This is basically a young man losing his innocence, so not too hard of a role to play. But the Cruise charm, c'mon. 4.3/5

Top Gun

Movie: This scene pretty much sums it up. How does he move in those jeans?


9.0/10

Versatility: This is like Joel Goodsen all grown up. 2.9/5

MVP Factor: Can anyone else pull of the Tom Cruise cockiness? No, but others could have still played a cocky fighter pilot. But Tom Cruise is Top Gun like Norm McDonald is Dirty Work. 4.6/5

Jerry Maguire

Movie: It's eerie how many similarities there are between Anquan Boldin and Rod Tidwell. Right down to the concussion and demanding a trade. 9.5/10

Versatility: Tom Cruise at his best. If you want to see Tom Cruise happy, sad, angry, desperate, horny, whatever, this is it. 4.6/5

MVP Factor: It pains me to say this, but a lot of actors might have been able to play Jerry Maguire. It's just that Cruise really went overboard with every scene, something a lot of actors wouldn't do. I feel that Cruise's MVP actor is a little different. While Hanks takes roles that many others might not, Cruise takes somewhat ordinary roles and pushes them to another level. 4.3/5

Magnolia

Movie: Not enough people have seen this. It's somewhat long, but it pays off huge in the end. Great cast and maybe the best director around right now, Paul Thomas Anderson, who has done Boogie Nights and There Will Be Blood. John C. Reilly was also amazing in this. 9.1/10

Versatility: He plays a dickhead playboy who teaches other men how to pick up chicks. With all his past seemingly wholesome roles, this was a big risk. He won the Golden Globe for best supporting actor for this. 4.6/5

MVP Factor: Once again an ordinary role (anyone could play a sexual deviant), but he brings the Tom Cruise intensity. Although, with such a large cast, he was a vital part of the film. 3.0/5

Collateral

Movie: Bad ass. 9.1/10

Versatility: Tom Cruise as the bad guy, something Hanks has never done. He was ice cold. I always waited for him to bust into a huge grin and give a big Tom Cruise bear hug and laugh. Luckily, if he broke character, Michael Mann chose not too include it. 4.9/5

MVP Factor: Carries the film. But once again, the role is technically "Bad Guy Hitman with no conscience." But this was one role where you actually forgot Tom Cruise was playing the bad guy. 4.2/5

I swear I haven't added up these numbers yet so...

Final Score:
Hanks 90.4
Cruise 87.9

However, with the 5 points awarded for work outside the top 5, Cruise ends up with 92.9. This seems just about right. Hanks is stronger at the top, but Cruise is stronger over his entire body of work.

Randomblings

THB just posted about something stupid (I'll summarize it for you, he loves flannel and he has no friends). However, this means I must do something to keep up in order to stay true to my mission statement: to get more hits than THB. So this is where I pretty much rip off Bill Simmons's ramblings.

Sideline Reporters

Sideline reporters are the most unnecessary aspect of sports media/journalism. Their access as a sideline reporter is actually more limited than anyone in the booth because they lack a computer or a TV monitor. Their presence has created a tradition of awful in game interviews with coaches before and after quarters or in between innings.

And I hate Craig Sager even more; oh my gosh you wear funny looking suits to disguise your abhorrent personality and boring anecdotes. I hate you Craig Sager.

This is why Erin Andrews is cool; no one cares what sideline reporters have to say. So find the hottest girls you can so people can just stare at them (side note: loyal IRNJOT reader Bennett Hayes created a blog called "Stalking Erin Andrews" where he traveled around the country going to college basketball games, almost entirely based on what games Erin was going to be at). They might as well hire strippers to do the interview so there could be eye candy and it would be hilariously awkward.


People Being Stupid

It's incredible that people still don't understand that it's rude to barge right into an elevator when people might be getting off. It seems that almost every time I'm exiting an elevator, there is someone who thinks that they are the only person in the world so there probably won't be anyone on the elevator.

People who don't use moving sidewalks when the option is available to them should be slapped in the face (same for people who take the stairs instead of the escalator). If you really get a workout by walking those extra steps, you are probably at risk of dying because you're so out of shape.

I'm always shocked when I meet someone who uses an email server besides gmail. I thought people stopped using hotmail in 2002.

Personal Preference

I always use the handicapped stall and the handicapped ramp, and people used to joke that I was handicapped, therefore I should be able to use handicapped parking spaces.

I think I want to start taking HGH. I don't play professional baseball so I don't think it would be an issue. Where does one get HGH? Sly takes HGH and it seems to work for him just fine, and he's 62.



A frozen twix might be the most delicious snack ever.

The new 10 calorie vitamin water sucks.

Gaydarbeck Gaydarbekov narrowly edges Bob Loblaw as the funniest name ever.



Even though I'm not black, it doesn't make a difference in finding Tyler Perry awful.

However, If I was black, I would be in the NBA because I have an NBA-ready game.

TV/Movies

If ABC family was anything like real life, the world would be a much happier place.

Seinfeld- A XXX Parody seems like a can't-miss idea.

Even though every Jet Li movie ends with a fight between Jet Li and the bad guy in a ring of fire, I don't care. It still works. Watch Jet Li fight the host of Iron Chef in a ring of fire here.

The Somali Pirate vs. Richard Phillips saga is the most BAD ASS real life story I have heard in years. I would pay anything to have seen all 3 pirates get one-shot sniped at the same time. They should make a reality series out of hunting Somali Pirates, like Dog the Bounty Hunter but with way more sniper head shots.

Jack Bauer is justified to torture whoever he wants whenever he wants.

Sports

The Pistons should trade Allen Iverson for Chauncey Billups.

Are we supposed to believe that ARod stopped taking steroids the exact year after he tested positive? And if the reason he took steroids was because of the pressure, isn't playing in New York the biggest pressure of all? But he stopped taking steroids then?

Andrew Gallo needs to be locked up and tortured for life.

Travis Henry is broke after having 9 children with 9 different women. Ignoring the impressive nature of such a feat, poor Travis doesn't seem to understand the predicament he has gotten himself into. After "laughing" through a skit at the annual NFL rookie symposium warning about the repercussions of irresponsible sexual activity, Travis thought it would never happen to him. He already had 3 kids with 3 different woman at this point. Luckily, he sees some silver lining: "I'm blessed not to have AIDs." God bless him.

Facebook

My facebook has essentially become a minute-by-minute update of the lives of 20 people I barely know. I find that these people who update every mindless banality of their life are either being extremely self-centered or self-conscious, or both. They either think that people need to know what they are doing at all times, or need to cover up the fact that they live pathetic lives by seeking reassurance on the facebook mini-feed.

Why would anyone care that you are going to the gym? Why are you telling people that you had a great time last night? Do you think that someone is going to read that and think to themselves, "Okay, I can take the shotgun out of my mouth because Kimberly is drinking a mai tai and watching Gossip Girl right now"? These are the only things that show up when I log on to facebook, and it's always the same people who I haven't spoken to in 4 years.

Some examples of status updates on facebook right now (Real names are used, but I don't think they read this):

Chelsea is going on a trip
-Not that I care, but you don't even give the courtesy of specifying where. Do you want people to ask you where? Are you begging for attention?

Samantha is so happy it's the weekend.
-That's great. I'm so happy that there were some frozen waffles left in the freezer this morning.

Michael is ready to rock the business presentation at 8:30!
-Again, if want people to wish you luck or ask you about your presentation, there are better avenues.

Andrew is OUT
-I hope not because we used to share a locker room shower together after basketball practice.

Stephanie is zzzz's...morning workout then work until close.
-Is that what people do? Sleep, go to work, work out? I actually really appreciate this status update because I had no idea that normal people do things like this.

Pete Roller K lot Saturday ON DECK
-I'm not really sure what this means. And fuck you Pete Roller, I know you're reading this.

Alejo thinks it's about time I get back to the East Coast
-No, no, it's not quite time yet.

I'm gonna start copying someone else's status update every single time they change it and see if they notice.

I Am Reborn

Some people measure their lives in in daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, or in cups of coffee. Others measure in inches, in miles, in laughter, or in strife. I measure my life in eras of U of A Basketball. And so, the 2nd part of my life officially begins today.

This past week has been one of the most eye-opening weeks of my life for three reasons:

1. I met The Honest Godfather.

2. I went to my first strip club. It was supposedly the grimiest one in the state of Massachusetts. I've never felt more uncomfortable or more in need of a shower. I felt like I needed a cigarette, and I've never smoked a cigarette in my entire life.

3. I realized that people might not actually want to coach at the University of Arizona.

My whole life, I took the Arizona basketball program for granted. We have made the NCAA Tournament for an NCAA-record 25 straight times (Not even Duke, UNC, Kentucky, UCLA, or Kansas has done that). We got 5-star recruit after 5-star recruit, made the Final Four in '94, '97, and '01, and won a championship in '97. We were "Point Guard U" because of Khalid Reeves, Damon Stoudamire, Mike Bibby, Jason Terry, Jason Gardner, Mustafa Shakur, and Jerryd Bayless. Not to mention Sean Elliot, Gilbert Arenas, Richard Jefferson, Andre Iguodala, Steve Kerr, and Luke Walton. It was a basketball fantasyland for a fan like me.

My passion ran so deep, I created a facebook group freshman year in response to Owen Zidar's group "When I Have a Kid, I'm Going To Name it J.J. Redick" with "When I Have a Kid, I'm Going To Name it J.J. Redick and Beat Him Everyday." in order to defend my favorite AZ player of all time, Salim Stoudamire.

However, our failure to land a coach was absolutely shocking. Every AZ fan, including me, thought we were going to get a guy like Pitino or Calipari. We thought Arizona was an elite program and wouldn't accept anything less. However, we all failed to take into account the state of our team, and how tough/shitty the job might actually be. The Lute Olson departure took 3 very uncomfortable years to play out, and in the process, cost us many good recruits. Brandon Jennings, the #1 high school player last year who committed to Arizona, bolted for Italy. Our other 5-star recruit transferred to Tennessee. Our 4-star recruit forced his way out of his letter of intention and transferred to Kansas. That left us with players who do things like this (which I still consider the single dumbest play to end a game of basketball, ever-- even worse than Webber in the NCAA Tournament):

[Go to 3:50 if you don't want to watch the whole clip. But watching it all play out adds so much more, especially considering we already committed one of the stupidest fouls in Arizona history 25 seconds earlier]

Next year, we have no recruits coming in (makes sense because all year we had no idea who would be our coach- basically our Athletic Director "Schruted" this coaching search). 2 of our 3 best players are leaving (both probably lottery picks in Jordan Hill and Chase Budinger). Our only other competent basketball player, PG Nic Wise, will probably try to test the draft or play overseas. Next year would be his 4th coach in 4 years, I don't think anyone could succeed in that sort of situation. The new coach is essentially inheriting a bunch of jerseys.

But still, were the goddamn University of Arizona. It's the way of life in Tucson. There is nothing else to do in the place where the hardcore is beautiful. It's really, really hot all the time. And the football team sucks. So you'll most likely find me at the basketball game or at the movies where they put the A/C on full blast. A random Arizona basketball game in Tucson is like a football game in Friday Night Lights, or a night at Chuck-e-Cheese for the Catholic Church. The excitement is palpable.

This makes it all the more depressing when we were being spurned by every coach in the nation. Pitino? Wanted more money. Mark Few? No thanks. Tim Floyd? Sorry, but no. Tim Floyd? Really? Tim Floyd is turning us down? The guy had one of the most talented teams in the country this year at USC and barely made the tournament via winning the Pac-10 tournament. I felt like Shallow Hal and the University of Arizona was Gwyneth Paltrow. I saw something beautiful, everyone else saw a big fatty. There were rumors we almost had Oklahoma's Jason Capel, but even he wanted to stay at Oklahoma. Jason Capel hasn't really done shit either (his team, i.e. Blake Griffin, was good because Blake's older brother was already playing there-- no recruiting or coaching necessary). You were supposed to be fighting for my love.


Then a glimmer of hope came. A mysterious poster on the message boards at goazcats.com posts that Xavier head coach Sean Miller will be the next head coach at Arizona by Monday. It was his first post; he said he had it from the highest sources and could not disclose who he was. Of course, no one believed him, but he would drop little nuggets of information on the coaching search that would be confirmed in the papers the next day. This came on the day when everyone was reeling after the Tim Floyd news (Was it good or bad? No one wanted him, but he still turned us down. I feel it was more bad, because everyone saw us as the program that couldn't land goddman Tim Floyd).

His post was looking good after it was announced that Livengood (our AD) and Miller were meeting on Sunday, but by Sunday night, multiple sources had confirmed that Miller was staying at Xavier. Then people were starting to talk themselves into Utah coach Jim Boylen. Boylen was dummied in the first round of the tournament this year by Arizona and interim head coach Russ Pennell. It was at this point when I reached my so-called "nadir." I fired off the following email to The Honest Bro:

we are so desperate right now. the AZ dynasty I've known and loved ever since before I was born has literally crumbled before my eyes over the last week. at this point, with the type of coach we'll probably get, it will take 10 yrs to amass the reputation and recruits to be competitive again. this is epic

As coach after coach was turning us down, something beautiful was happening. The Arizona fan base was coming together and showing why there aren't more passionate and dedicated fans anywhere. The coaching search was absolutely consuming us. The Arizona Daily Star reported nothing but live hour-by-hour updates of the coaching search. The message boards had never been more active. Fans were writing passionate pleas to guys like Mark Few and Sean Miller, explaining how much it would mean to them if they came to Tucson. Every local news station was tracking the private planes that Livengood and Miller took to their meeting in Cincinnati, updating every minute on what could have possibly occurred. It was kind of stalkish, but it hinted at something deeper. We were saying you have no idea how much this means to us.

This shit doesn't happen at Xavier. Sure there are a million reasons to not take the Arizona job coming from Xavier. Close friend John Calipari said about Miller: "He has a potential Final Four team coming back next season, loves where he lives, has security and is paid well and has the best job in his league." But this shit doesn't happen at Xavier. Even our former players were making their case for various candidates, with Jason Gardner saying: "We're not settling are we? Arizona doesn't settle." Once again, that shit does not happen at Xavier.

How important is the college basketball coach anyways? It means almost everything. Read John Feinstein's Last Dance: Behind the Scenes at the Final Four. He really puts it perfectly. Having a good coach builds the reputation of the school, which attracts the top recruits. That's why the best college basketball schools consistently stay the best every year. Take North Carolina and Roy Williams as an example. UNC wins the NCAA Championship in 2005 and loses their top 7 scorers from that team. Surprisingly, they were still very good, due in large part to his recruiting of Tyler Hansborough. They then swept the regular season and tournament ACC titles in 2007 and 2008. They look to win the championship again tonight. Once you get to that point, you are an elite program. That's what a coach will get you. That is what Lute got us and why I never had to break a sweat about making the NCAA tournament the entire time I've been alive (until Lute got all stroke-y on us).

So it's Sean Miller. The winningest coach in Xavier history. Xavier, a mid-major school, made the elite 8 last year and the sweet 16 this year, all with players Miller recruited and coached (always the mark of a good coach). He did this while out-performing higher profile in-state schools like Ohio State and Cincinnati. There are many great things you can say about what he has done. I think the most important aspect is his age: 40. In hindsight, what would we have done with a Pitino (56) anyways? Or even Floyd (55)? This guy is just entering his prime. He can relate to the younger guys, which is a HUGE advantage when motivating your players and recruiting teenagers. At Arizona, our head coach has been like a marriage; Lute was here for 25 years and his job was never threatened. That is the way it should be for Miller. Barring catastrophe, there should be no pressure of losing your job-- this can allow Miller to work and adjust to the Pac-10 style of play.

I mean, I'm pretty sure these guys are better than anyone on Arizona right now, so I'm not expecting much. But knowing that someone understands how we, the fans, feel about our basketball team makes me happy. The fact that he is willing to take such a monumental challenge of a job coming from a perfect situation shows me that he understands that this is the fucking University of Arizona.

This is a real post

Although my spring break trip to Galveston, TX was not quite "Hard Guy Spring Break: Rwanda, Bitches!" [© hardguytees.com], it did follow through in one aspect: it inspired me to write this post. I was going to write about falling in love with a beautiful woman who I thought would be my future wife until I found out she was a lesbian and had sex with a nymphomaniac lesbian stripper from my service group, but that would be too depressing. I admit my Gaydar is off-the-charts horrible, but the only lesbians I had seen who were that hot were in Where The Boys Aren't 17 aboard the AGA (All Girls Airlines). But I digress.

The real story was the amount of times we went to Sonic. In Texas, they are like gas stations, because they are on every corner. In the Northeast, there must be a Sonic ad on every commercial break, but no one had ever been to one of these mysterious food joints. Well I reached the promised land (every day) and it was glorious.

Men who eat fast food are real men. If you do not like fast food, you are lying to yourself and probably cry yourself to sleep at night with Tofuburger residue on your hands. I once had someone say to me that I was gross because I liked McDonald's saying: "It is processed, greasy, and extremely unhealthy. You're basically eating shit. Try to incorporate more complex carbohydrates and real organic proteins into your diet." Needless to say, this person was brutally (beautifully) maimed in my dream that night. As far as I'm concerned:

fake processed meat + way too much grease + microwave = a little slice of heaven.

This list is bound to be controversial as we are very protective of our signature meals at our favorite fast food spots. But you are all wrong, this is the only right list.

TOP 10 FAST FOOD MEALS
[Note: I do not like cheese. This is probably a big factor for many people.]

10. Burger King Original Chicken Sandwich

Simple, elegant, and too often overlooked. Of all the basic chicken sandwiches, no one does it as well as Burger King. Just the chicken patty, lettuce, and mayonnaise on an oval sesame seed bun, it says, "Hey, I'm just trying to hang out. I'm not trying to be someone I'm not, I'm real, like Jenny from the Block."

Shockingly, McDonalds has not been able to duplicate Burger King's success in this department. Wendy's comes close with their spicy chicken sandwich, but it is still just an imitator. Just as how I write blog posts consisting of lists to hide the fact that I can't put together creative and well-written thoughts, Wendy's makes their chicken sandwich spicy to hide the fact that they can't put together a rock solid chicken sandwich.

9. McDonalds chicken nuggets

You either love them or hate them. I don't feel like any other chicken nugget/tender/fry/bullshit matches the unique flavor and crispy texture of the McDonalds chicken nuggett. Switching to all-white meat a few years ago didn't hurt at all; I would even say that they raised their batting average to almost 1.000. Before, I would get the occasional "a-little-hard-circular-thing-that-may-be-a-bone-but-I-really-don't-wan't-to-know" guy in one of my nuggets, but now, hardly ever. Well done Grimace and the McNuggett Buddies, you are making Papa Ronald proud.


Plus, I think I once saw Rob Kasel eat 3 dozen of these than cough up a lung.

8. Church's 3 piece chicken (2 thighs and a breast) with a honey-butter biscuit

If you want to consume 1100 calories and 92 grams of fat at a low price, truck on over to Church's Chicken. This list wouldn't be complete without some fried chicken, and damned if I give any lip service to that old hack Colonel Sanders. Church's has been overshadowed for too long; it's not fair that my only encounter with their sweet honey-butter biscuit is at the Atlanta Airport.

7. Sonic Chicken Club Toaster with tots

The bread really makes this bird fly; it turns this seemingly ordinary sandwich into an extraordinary sandwich. My only complaint is that Sonic stubbornly adheres to their outrageous ordering process. You have to order through their drive-in window every time. We had maybe 6 people trying to order, and the lady was literally standing five feet away through a clear-glass window, yet we had to talk into this little box that muffled every word we said. I almost pulled an Andy Bernard and punched right through that stupid box.


6. Carl's Jr Western Bacon Cheeseburger

The only one on the list where I need the cheese on the burger. BBQ sauce, onion rings, and bacon are a good combination on absolutely anything. Carl's Jr knocks this one out of the park. I'm surprised no one has imitated the onion rings move.

Do you know who else likes this burger? Padma. This is the best commercial of the year; Padma is just oh...my...god




5. Arby's Giant Roast Beef, curly fries, Arby's sauce

I didn't pop my Arby's cherry until age 14. True story: I was in Florida playing in a tennis tournament, and after going to Arby's for the first time, I went back all week. My last match I had a giant roast beef right before my match because I knew I was going to lose anyways (I was always a realist concerning matches- this probably had a negative effect on my career). I ended up "baby booting" a bit of roast beef on the tennis court in 110 degree heat. Everyone thought I was a warrior because they thought I was playing through a sickness. No one thinks I'm a warrior anymore.

Since that wonderful day, I've had more than one sexual fantasy involving Arby's sauce. Did you know you can get the ingredients for the sauce online at the website?

4. Jack 'N The Box sourdough jack with curly fries

I don't know why everyone doesn't make their sandwiches on sourdough. It's freaking fantastic. The sourdough jack always comes extra greasy too, like Billy Madison's extra sloppy sloppy joe's.



3. Baskin Robbins Gold Medal Ribbon shake

Wendy's once again comes up just short in the milkshake department. Their frosty is good; but it doesn't quite hold a candle to BR's Gold Medal Ribbon shake. Are you supposed to drink the frosty with a straw, or use the weird other end of the straw to spoon out the ice cream? Can anyone answer this definitively? I'd rather just hang out and sip my shake through a straw. Just like Dave Thomas, Wendy's just can't hang around.

Gold medal ribbon ice cream is just mediocre by itself, but when shaken with milk, it transforms into a whole other being. Sort of like how putting lingerie on Pam from The Office transforms her into a whole other being.

"My name is Pam, I am blah."

"Now look at me. I am wow!"

2. Panda Express: everything piled onto one plate

The reason you can pile everything onto one plate is because it all essentially tastes the same when the sauces mix. Does the orange chicken even taste like orange? No. Is it deep fried and bathed in a thick brown sauce? Yes. I wouldn't even be surprised if they deep fried real pandas and sprinkled some sesame seeds on top. It really is pretty much the same delicious mess.

I have yet to find if it's possible to eat here without your stomach trying to eat it's way out of your body directly after. And this is a distant second to...

1. McDonalds breakfast (Iced coffee, Egg McMuffin, Hash Browns)

The "Michael Vick in Madden '05" of fast food meals-- this is untouchable. Their recent addition of an incredibly large, incredibly cheap, and incredibly delicious iced coffee that comes in Hazelnut, Vanilla, and Regular flavors is like Lebron scoring 50 points at MSG while also picking up a near triple-double. He didn't have to do that, but he did it anyways. McDonald's position atop this list solidifies their position as the establishment to beat when it comes to fast food. They are at the forefront of fast food innovation (McGriddle, McFlurry, chicken selects, McRib, snackwich, salad shakers) and don't look to slow down anytime soon.

Pharrell knows what I'm talking about


BONUS:

Most overrated: In N' Out

Their burgers are just okay. Their shakes are just okay. You can't get anything else there besides this. Their fries are disgusting because their somewhat healthy. Their popularity is a testament to their brilliant marketing strategy: they keep it old-fashioned, have an extremely simple menu, rely on word of mouth, and have a "secret menu" that makes self-important people feel more self-important because they're in on something that no one else knows (except everyone knows). If these places were everywhere like McDonald's, they would lose business. This is probably why they don't expand.

Most underrated: Pizza Hut Tuesday Night Buffet

I don't think I've met one person who likes Pizza Hut and that truly baffles me. Most people don't just dislike it, they have a strong aversion to it, like Pizza Hut did something to their mother. It's inexplicable. Everyone always has their "pizza place" that is some hole-in-the-wall that is unbelievable. I doubt it because it would no longer be a hole-in-the-wall. Pizza Hut is rich enough to get a clown and a face painter every Tuesday. Deal with that.

Their Tuesday Night Buffet has unlimited salad bar, pizza, pie, and cinnastix. It also served as a second home for the Steinberg household; I was here when McGwire hit #62 to pass Roger Maris, election night 2000, and I was here when my I hit my older sister in the face with a piece of pizza because she was making fun of my pants that were a little too short so they kind of looked like really long shorts.

Suck It America

EVERYONE thought Arizona was not supposed to make the tournament. EVERYONE was wrong. God I hate EVERYONE so much right now.

We're in the sweet 16, all thanks to this guy:

"I'm Derek and I can sing high like this"

[note: if you don't understand what the title is referring to, you will find out.]

Besides Dippin' Dots ("The ice cream of the fuuuuuutuuuurrrreeee"), this is what we have to look forward to in 2009 and beyond:

Legend:

[W] Why we need to see this
[L] Level of "unsoberness" needed to enjoy movie (using professional athletes as a scale)
[F] Fun Trivia

Fast & Furious (April 3, 2009)

[W] I didn't think anything could top Diesel's "You break her heart, I'll break your neck" zinger from the first movie, but from the looks of the trailer, we are in for a real treat-- "I appreciate a fine body regardless of the make." Also, this movie is officially referred to as an "interquel" set between the second and third movies. Only a movie starring Vin Diesel would be bold enough to make up words like this.

[L] John Daly drunk.

[F] Producers begged Paul Walker not to return because he sucks, but they were contractually obligated to keep him. Sorry, that was a lie.

The Informers (April 24, 2009)

[W] Bret Easton Ellis is one of the coolest and ballsiest writers ever, as evidenced by American Psycho and The Rules of Attraction, both of which have been adapted into a classic and enjoyable movie respectively. And judging from the trailer, it looks like the director is staging a really faithful adaptation of Ellis's short stories, capturing the drugs, excess, and glamour of early 80's Los Angeles as only Ellis can depict it in his writing.



[L] 2 (David Robinson). There is always way more than meets the eye in his stories, so it's necessary to have a sharp mind to catch all the symbols and other literary devices that my 7th grade English teacher yelled at me to find.

[F] In a real-life twist of irony, this was actor Brad Renfro's last film before he died of a heroin overdose.

Bitch Slap (Spring 2009)

[W] After watching the trailer, I don't feel like any explanation is necessary. It ends with one of the bitch slappers stating, "Next stop, brown town." I've already said too much.

[L] You'd be stupid to go into this movie at anything less than a Michael Irvin/Doc Gooden hybrid.

[F] The producers describe this movie as "a post-modern, thinking man's throwback to the "B" Movie/Exploitation films of the 1950's - 70's as well as a loving, sly parody of the same."

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (June 24, 2009)

[W] I don't care what anyone thinks, Michael Bay could make a movie about my intramural basketball career, and it would be explosive. His movies don't have to have any point. We don't go see his movies to learn more about ourselves, to grow as people, and dissect true art. We go to watch an 18-wheeler turn into a gigantic robot and shoot buildings. The original Transformers was the first time I was seriously "wowed" at the cinemaplex since I was 10.

[L] Slightly less than Vin Baker-at-the-end-of-his-career drunk.

[F] Among the locations used for filming were Tucson International Airport and "The Boneyard" (both located in my hometown!), and incredibly, the Pyramids at Giza. They don't let anyone shoot movies at the Pyramids-- this will kick ass.

Public Enemies (July 1, 2009)

[W] Johnny Depp. Christian Bale. Michael Mann. Based on John Dillinger's life. Giddy-up.


[L] Kurt Warner. No intoxication is necessary for this.

[F] Depp actually wears the pants Dillinger wore when he was shot and killed. They also shot at all the same locations where the events took place, including the famous Little Bohemia Lodge where a shootout with the Feds took place.

Inglorious Basterds (August 21, 2009)

[W] A "spaghetti-western WWII film" directed by Quentin Tarantino and starring Brad Pitt. And it's about a bunch of Jewish-American soldiers who try to kill as many Nazis as possible. I'm not a Tarantino fan but Brad Pitt is so hot right now.



[L] Anywhere from Warner-God-loves-puppies-clean to Babe Ruth-sloppy. This could be great on a multiple of levels.

[F] The role in which Eli Roth plays "a baseball bat-swinging Nazi hunter" was originally conceived for Adam Sandler. Also, Mike Meyers plays a British "military mastermind." The casting director might have been trying to play a sick joke on the viewing public with these calls.


Where The Wild Things Are (October 16, 2009)

[W] Live-action adaptation of my favorite children's book. And it's directed by Spike Jonze, who did Being John Malkovich and Adaptation, so you know it's going to be trippy-weird.



[L] Usually Jonze's movies already make you feel like you're Keon Clark, who "never played a game sober."

[F] I don't like cheese! I know, it's so wierd! I eat pizza, but don't like cheese on anything else, go figure?!

Avatar (December 18, 2009)

[W] James Cameron's last three films are Terminator 2, True Lies, and Titanic. This will be his first feature film in 12 years. I have no idea why he hasn't been doing movies since he was/is considered the Lebron James of directing. Considering his movie has a $300 million budget and will be in 3-D, he is not planning on holding back.

[L] Stephon Marbury.

[F] James Cameron wrote an 80-page script for Avatar in 1995, hopefully when he was hanging out with Marbury.

The Expendables (2010)

[W] I am going to go all caps here, because there is no other way to say this: A TEAM OF MERCENARIES HEAD TO SOUTH AMERICA ON A MISSION TO OVERTHROW A RUTHLESS DICTATOR; THE TEAM OF MERCENARIES WILL CONSIST OF SYLVESTER STALLONE, MICKEY ROURKE, DOLPH LUNDGREN, JET LI, JASON STATHAM, STEVE AUSTIN, AND RANDY COUTURE.

I imagine seeing this movie will be like looking into the face of God and seeing Him smiling back and saying, "You are my most wondrous creation." I don't think God could have conceptualized a more perfect movie.

[L] Derek Duff



[F] Dolph Lundgren, the actor who plays Ivan Drago:
*holds a 3rd degree black belt and is a 3-time world champion in karate
*has studied boxing, fencing, judo, taekwondo, and goju-ryu
*has a master's in chemical engineering and was awarded a Fulbright scholarship to MIT
*speaks over 5 languages
*was a corporal in his elite marine unit in Sweden at the Amphibious Ranger School in Sweden
*will never be forgiven for killing Apollo Creed and not showing any signs of caring.

Stem Cells and MY PENIS

Beautiful day yesterday as President Obama lifted the ban on stem cell research. This was the worst ban since the civil rights era, and NO it was not a political issue. How is the potential to save countless lives, possibly cure paralysis, and eradicate disease not at the top of anyone's to-do list?

We are not killing human life (obviously). We are not even killing potential human life (less obvious). More than a third of zygotes are lost in the first few weeks of life, and many do not implant successfully during fertilization. "If the zygote is understood as one of us, then tragic deaths occur with astonishing frequency--almost as many zygotes die this way as there are pregnancies" says the scientist. Furthermore, the embryos we use are called Blastocysts, which are clusters of human cells that have not evolved into distinct human tissue-- therefore, they are no different than a skin cell. If all of that doesn't persuade you, then go paralyze yourself and explain to all the other paralyzed people why they should not have any hope because an embryo is more important than their life.

I apologize for that tangent, current events and scientific/political issues are way too non-trivial for me to comment on. So I will talk about something that happened to me today that is so ridiculous I still can't believe it happened. I will make this short.

I went to the gym at school today; I usually bring a gym bag with me so I can shower and change clothes there. Today, however, I forgot an extra pair of boxer-briefs (the best). I had no choice but to go commando. Unfortunately, the jeans I have are rough with a zipper scarier than the furnace in Home Alone. I braved the cold anyways. Things weren't all that bad until all hell broke loose when I went to the bathroom (number 1) at a urinal. I don't know why, but I didn't zip up after-- I think I was subconsciously scared of pulling a Ben Stiller from There's Something About Mary. Or maybe I was too busy trying to avoid eye contact with the guy who was moaning as he pee-peeed next to me. Either way I didn't zip up and my penis was half sticking out of the hole, kind of like a scared turtle's head. The good thing was that my embarrasment was caught before I left the men's restroom. The bad thing was that it was caught by my professor; a professor from whom I am planning on asking for a recommendation later this week.

And the way he noticed was the worst. He looked at it, then looked at me. I attempted to say something but no words came to mind. I opened my mouth and stuttered. He wasn't laughing nor did he say a word. He just stared at me while I stared at him, I too shocked to even zip up, then he walked out. Our next interaction will be me asking him for a recommendation. Yippee.

It was quite reminiscent of the infamous Teen Wolf penis that escaped the editors back in 1985. I only wish my penis was that famous. It's at 0:37 for a few seconds.