This is a real post

Although my spring break trip to Galveston, TX was not quite "Hard Guy Spring Break: Rwanda, Bitches!" [© hardguytees.com], it did follow through in one aspect: it inspired me to write this post. I was going to write about falling in love with a beautiful woman who I thought would be my future wife until I found out she was a lesbian and had sex with a nymphomaniac lesbian stripper from my service group, but that would be too depressing. I admit my Gaydar is off-the-charts horrible, but the only lesbians I had seen who were that hot were in Where The Boys Aren't 17 aboard the AGA (All Girls Airlines). But I digress.

The real story was the amount of times we went to Sonic. In Texas, they are like gas stations, because they are on every corner. In the Northeast, there must be a Sonic ad on every commercial break, but no one had ever been to one of these mysterious food joints. Well I reached the promised land (every day) and it was glorious.

Men who eat fast food are real men. If you do not like fast food, you are lying to yourself and probably cry yourself to sleep at night with Tofuburger residue on your hands. I once had someone say to me that I was gross because I liked McDonald's saying: "It is processed, greasy, and extremely unhealthy. You're basically eating shit. Try to incorporate more complex carbohydrates and real organic proteins into your diet." Needless to say, this person was brutally (beautifully) maimed in my dream that night. As far as I'm concerned:

fake processed meat + way too much grease + microwave = a little slice of heaven.

This list is bound to be controversial as we are very protective of our signature meals at our favorite fast food spots. But you are all wrong, this is the only right list.

TOP 10 FAST FOOD MEALS
[Note: I do not like cheese. This is probably a big factor for many people.]

10. Burger King Original Chicken Sandwich

Simple, elegant, and too often overlooked. Of all the basic chicken sandwiches, no one does it as well as Burger King. Just the chicken patty, lettuce, and mayonnaise on an oval sesame seed bun, it says, "Hey, I'm just trying to hang out. I'm not trying to be someone I'm not, I'm real, like Jenny from the Block."

Shockingly, McDonalds has not been able to duplicate Burger King's success in this department. Wendy's comes close with their spicy chicken sandwich, but it is still just an imitator. Just as how I write blog posts consisting of lists to hide the fact that I can't put together creative and well-written thoughts, Wendy's makes their chicken sandwich spicy to hide the fact that they can't put together a rock solid chicken sandwich.

9. McDonalds chicken nuggets

You either love them or hate them. I don't feel like any other chicken nugget/tender/fry/bullshit matches the unique flavor and crispy texture of the McDonalds chicken nuggett. Switching to all-white meat a few years ago didn't hurt at all; I would even say that they raised their batting average to almost 1.000. Before, I would get the occasional "a-little-hard-circular-thing-that-may-be-a-bone-but-I-really-don't-wan't-to-know" guy in one of my nuggets, but now, hardly ever. Well done Grimace and the McNuggett Buddies, you are making Papa Ronald proud.


Plus, I think I once saw Rob Kasel eat 3 dozen of these than cough up a lung.

8. Church's 3 piece chicken (2 thighs and a breast) with a honey-butter biscuit

If you want to consume 1100 calories and 92 grams of fat at a low price, truck on over to Church's Chicken. This list wouldn't be complete without some fried chicken, and damned if I give any lip service to that old hack Colonel Sanders. Church's has been overshadowed for too long; it's not fair that my only encounter with their sweet honey-butter biscuit is at the Atlanta Airport.

7. Sonic Chicken Club Toaster with tots

The bread really makes this bird fly; it turns this seemingly ordinary sandwich into an extraordinary sandwich. My only complaint is that Sonic stubbornly adheres to their outrageous ordering process. You have to order through their drive-in window every time. We had maybe 6 people trying to order, and the lady was literally standing five feet away through a clear-glass window, yet we had to talk into this little box that muffled every word we said. I almost pulled an Andy Bernard and punched right through that stupid box.


6. Carl's Jr Western Bacon Cheeseburger

The only one on the list where I need the cheese on the burger. BBQ sauce, onion rings, and bacon are a good combination on absolutely anything. Carl's Jr knocks this one out of the park. I'm surprised no one has imitated the onion rings move.

Do you know who else likes this burger? Padma. This is the best commercial of the year; Padma is just oh...my...god




5. Arby's Giant Roast Beef, curly fries, Arby's sauce

I didn't pop my Arby's cherry until age 14. True story: I was in Florida playing in a tennis tournament, and after going to Arby's for the first time, I went back all week. My last match I had a giant roast beef right before my match because I knew I was going to lose anyways (I was always a realist concerning matches- this probably had a negative effect on my career). I ended up "baby booting" a bit of roast beef on the tennis court in 110 degree heat. Everyone thought I was a warrior because they thought I was playing through a sickness. No one thinks I'm a warrior anymore.

Since that wonderful day, I've had more than one sexual fantasy involving Arby's sauce. Did you know you can get the ingredients for the sauce online at the website?

4. Jack 'N The Box sourdough jack with curly fries

I don't know why everyone doesn't make their sandwiches on sourdough. It's freaking fantastic. The sourdough jack always comes extra greasy too, like Billy Madison's extra sloppy sloppy joe's.



3. Baskin Robbins Gold Medal Ribbon shake

Wendy's once again comes up just short in the milkshake department. Their frosty is good; but it doesn't quite hold a candle to BR's Gold Medal Ribbon shake. Are you supposed to drink the frosty with a straw, or use the weird other end of the straw to spoon out the ice cream? Can anyone answer this definitively? I'd rather just hang out and sip my shake through a straw. Just like Dave Thomas, Wendy's just can't hang around.

Gold medal ribbon ice cream is just mediocre by itself, but when shaken with milk, it transforms into a whole other being. Sort of like how putting lingerie on Pam from The Office transforms her into a whole other being.

"My name is Pam, I am blah."

"Now look at me. I am wow!"

2. Panda Express: everything piled onto one plate

The reason you can pile everything onto one plate is because it all essentially tastes the same when the sauces mix. Does the orange chicken even taste like orange? No. Is it deep fried and bathed in a thick brown sauce? Yes. I wouldn't even be surprised if they deep fried real pandas and sprinkled some sesame seeds on top. It really is pretty much the same delicious mess.

I have yet to find if it's possible to eat here without your stomach trying to eat it's way out of your body directly after. And this is a distant second to...

1. McDonalds breakfast (Iced coffee, Egg McMuffin, Hash Browns)

The "Michael Vick in Madden '05" of fast food meals-- this is untouchable. Their recent addition of an incredibly large, incredibly cheap, and incredibly delicious iced coffee that comes in Hazelnut, Vanilla, and Regular flavors is like Lebron scoring 50 points at MSG while also picking up a near triple-double. He didn't have to do that, but he did it anyways. McDonald's position atop this list solidifies their position as the establishment to beat when it comes to fast food. They are at the forefront of fast food innovation (McGriddle, McFlurry, chicken selects, McRib, snackwich, salad shakers) and don't look to slow down anytime soon.

Pharrell knows what I'm talking about


BONUS:

Most overrated: In N' Out

Their burgers are just okay. Their shakes are just okay. You can't get anything else there besides this. Their fries are disgusting because their somewhat healthy. Their popularity is a testament to their brilliant marketing strategy: they keep it old-fashioned, have an extremely simple menu, rely on word of mouth, and have a "secret menu" that makes self-important people feel more self-important because they're in on something that no one else knows (except everyone knows). If these places were everywhere like McDonald's, they would lose business. This is probably why they don't expand.

Most underrated: Pizza Hut Tuesday Night Buffet

I don't think I've met one person who likes Pizza Hut and that truly baffles me. Most people don't just dislike it, they have a strong aversion to it, like Pizza Hut did something to their mother. It's inexplicable. Everyone always has their "pizza place" that is some hole-in-the-wall that is unbelievable. I doubt it because it would no longer be a hole-in-the-wall. Pizza Hut is rich enough to get a clown and a face painter every Tuesday. Deal with that.

Their Tuesday Night Buffet has unlimited salad bar, pizza, pie, and cinnastix. It also served as a second home for the Steinberg household; I was here when McGwire hit #62 to pass Roger Maris, election night 2000, and I was here when my I hit my older sister in the face with a piece of pizza because she was making fun of my pants that were a little too short so they kind of looked like really long shorts.