Besides Dippin' Dots ("The ice cream of the fuuuuuutuuuurrrreeee"), this is what we have to look forward to in 2009 and beyond:
Legend:
[W] Why we need to see this
[L] Level of "unsoberness" needed to enjoy movie (using professional athletes as a scale)
[F] Fun Trivia
Fast & Furious (April 3, 2009)
[W] I didn't think anything could top Diesel's "You break her heart, I'll break your neck" zinger from the first movie, but from the looks of the trailer, we are in for a real treat-- "I appreciate a fine body regardless of the make." Also, this movie is officially referred to as an "interquel" set between the second and third movies. Only a movie starring Vin Diesel would be bold enough to make up words like this.
[L] John Daly drunk.
[F] Producers begged Paul Walker not to return because he sucks, but they were contractually obligated to keep him. Sorry, that was a lie.
The Informers (April 24, 2009)
[W] Bret Easton Ellis is one of the coolest and ballsiest writers ever, as evidenced by American Psycho and The Rules of Attraction, both of which have been adapted into a classic and enjoyable movie respectively. And judging from the trailer, it looks like the director is staging a really faithful adaptation of Ellis's short stories, capturing the drugs, excess, and glamour of early 80's Los Angeles as only Ellis can depict it in his writing.
[L] 2 (David Robinson). There is always way more than meets the eye in his stories, so it's necessary to have a sharp mind to catch all the symbols and other literary devices that my 7th grade English teacher yelled at me to find.
[F] In a real-life twist of irony, this was actor Brad Renfro's last film before he died of a heroin overdose.
Bitch Slap (Spring 2009)
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[W] After watching the trailer, I don't feel like any explanation is necessary. It ends with one of the bitch slappers stating, "Next stop, brown town." I've already said too much.
[L] You'd be stupid to go into this movie at anything less than a Michael Irvin/Doc Gooden hybrid.
[F] The producers describe this movie as "a post-modern, thinking man's throwback to the "B" Movie/Exploitation films of the 1950's - 70's as well as a loving, sly parody of the same."
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (June 24, 2009)
[W] I don't care what anyone thinks, Michael Bay could make a movie about my intramural basketball career, and it would be explosive. His movies don't have to have any point. We don't go see his movies to learn more about ourselves, to grow as people, and dissect true art. We go to watch an 18-wheeler turn into a gigantic robot and shoot buildings. The original Transformers was the first time I was seriously "wowed" at the cinemaplex since I was 10.
[L] Slightly less than Vin Baker-at-the-end-of-his-career drunk.
[F] Among the locations used for filming were Tucson International Airport and "The Boneyard" (both located in my hometown!), and incredibly, the Pyramids at Giza. They don't let anyone shoot movies at the Pyramids-- this will kick ass.
Public Enemies (July 1, 2009)
[W] Johnny Depp. Christian Bale. Michael Mann. Based on John Dillinger's life. Giddy-up.
[L] Kurt Warner. No intoxication is necessary for this.
[F] Depp actually wears the pants Dillinger wore when he was shot and killed. They also shot at all the same locations where the events took place, including the famous Little Bohemia Lodge where a shootout with the Feds took place.
Inglorious Basterds (August 21, 2009)
[W] A "spaghetti-western WWII film" directed by Quentin Tarantino and starring Brad Pitt. And it's about a bunch of Jewish-American soldiers who try to kill as many Nazis as possible. I'm not a Tarantino fan but Brad Pitt is so hot right now.
[L] Anywhere from Warner-God-loves-puppies-clean to Babe Ruth-sloppy. This could be great on a multiple of levels.
[F] The role in which Eli Roth plays "a baseball bat-swinging Nazi hunter" was originally conceived for Adam Sandler. Also, Mike Meyers plays a British "military mastermind." The casting director might have been trying to play a sick joke on the viewing public with these calls.
Where The Wild Things Are (October 16, 2009)
[W] Live-action adaptation of my favorite children's book. And it's directed by Spike Jonze, who did Being John Malkovich and Adaptation, so you know it's going to be trippy-weird.
[L] Usually Jonze's movies already make you feel like you're Keon Clark, who "never played a game sober."
[F] I don't like cheese! I know, it's so wierd! I eat pizza, but don't like cheese on anything else, go figure?!
Avatar (December 18, 2009)
[W] James Cameron's last three films are Terminator 2, True Lies, and Titanic. This will be his first feature film in 12 years. I have no idea why he hasn't been doing movies since he was/is considered the Lebron James of directing. Considering his movie has a $300 million budget and will be in 3-D, he is not planning on holding back.
[L] Stephon Marbury.
[F] James Cameron wrote an 80-page script for Avatar in 1995, hopefully when he was hanging out with Marbury.
The Expendables (2010)
[W] I am going to go all caps here, because there is no other way to say this: A TEAM OF MERCENARIES HEAD TO SOUTH AMERICA ON A MISSION TO OVERTHROW A RUTHLESS DICTATOR; THE TEAM OF MERCENARIES WILL CONSIST OF SYLVESTER STALLONE, MICKEY ROURKE, DOLPH LUNDGREN, JET LI, JASON STATHAM, STEVE AUSTIN, AND RANDY COUTURE.
I imagine seeing this movie will be like looking into the face of God and seeing Him smiling back and saying, "You are my most wondrous creation." I don't think God could have conceptualized a more perfect movie.
[L] Derek Duff
[F] Dolph Lundgren, the actor who plays Ivan Drago:
*holds a 3rd degree black belt and is a 3-time world champion in karate
*has studied boxing, fencing, judo, taekwondo, and goju-ryu
*has a master's in chemical engineering and was awarded a Fulbright scholarship to MIT
*speaks over 5 languages
*was a corporal in his elite marine unit in Sweden at the Amphibious Ranger School in Sweden
*will never be forgiven for killing Apollo Creed and not showing any signs of caring.
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