Biggest Goober in the Universe

The question: How many times have I played solitaire on my cell phone? To the winner, I promised a poem written about them. I received some ridiculous guesses--58, 590, 2000-- what were these people thinking? Who plays a game of solitaire on their phone 2000 times? The answer is 2450 times, with a top-notch 11% winning percentage. I know what you're probably asking yourselves: how does he maintain such a high winning percentage? I'll never tell.

The winner of my contest was one Drew Jennings of Montclair, NJ. I was lucky he won because Drew is a gigantic goober, and that allows me to show these pictures below. There are 3 main qualities that make him a goober:

1. He is such an avid bird-watcher that he once sent a photo of a bird he found in his backyard to a magazine and it was published. People who bird watch suck.

2. He has an unhealthy obsession with black people, and throughout his life has put forth an incredible amount of effort in amassing black friends, which has unfortunately been hindered by his equally incredible amount of hot yellow and light pink collared shirts. He is in Alex Sherman territory.

3. He likes to work out. No seriously, really work out. And when I say work out, I mean only upper body (which really accents his tiny peg legs). If he wrote an autobiography, it would be called Drew Jennings: The Ultimate Beach Workout by Drew Jennings. The utter absurdity of his fascination of working out cannot be expressed in words. So how can one truly understand his gooberness if it cannot be expressed in words? What if I told you he once had a profile on bodybuilding.com with his shirt off and a facebook-like wall where other dudes with their shirts off commented on various aspects of his shirtless body? And what if I had screenshots of this which Drew probably doesn't know I have?

Happy Charles Dickens Day...(you have to click on the photos to see them clearly)









First of all, I'm not going to hate on a guy for creating a profile on a testosterone-fueled website with homoerotic undertones with pictures of himself shirtless and flaunting his workout regimen. That's just not who I am. But then he hits me with this (see first picture):

"How I Stay Motivated: Looking in the mirror and breaking pain barriers"

This is exactly what I would expect Ivan Drago would say if he was a real person. Anytime you say something that Ivan Drago would say, you are a goober. I'm sorry but that's a rule. Oh, he also says:

"...I also want to transform my body into a machine."

And, in the third photo, some "bro" wearing no shirt (what a crazy coincidence!) comments on his wall:

"Hey bro, grew up in Edison here. Double bi shots look good, you have seriously wide clavicles, very lucky."

He once made fun of how much I benched at the gym. What an ass. Noone understands that because of my bone structure, I'm not allowed to lift heavy weights or else I'll get too big, like Amare Stoudamire. I just follow doctor's orders. Here is my poem about Drew Jennings

Loves NO Explode
Won't be able to have kids
Ahhh! There's too much steak

Congratulations Drew. And thanks to Kaya Suarez for the terrific undercover job of retrieving those photos. I won't ask why "fuhrer" is in your Google search box tool bar in those screenshots.

Runner up award for the "Biggest Goober in the Universe" goes to Charles "I'm fun because I'm tall" Flynn. He told me he really wanted a poem written about him so he then wrote two poems about me. What a loser! The second one I won't print because it mentions disgusting and illegal acts, but here's the first one:

david, look at you
you are not even a jew
and we all love you

That is just soft. Soft like a baby's bottom. Look at you, writing poems like this about another man just to get some pub. Go back to your Bromance marathon.